Dear Friends & Family,
So here it is... recent events have prompted me to write about something I never thought
I would share publicly, however I really feel prompted to put my feelings out there. My hope is that my experience will be of benefit for someone else.
My sweet husband and I have been trying diligently to start a family for quite some time. It has been fun, stressful, discouraging, and heart breaking. We have received conception advice from everyone but for whatever reason we have not been blessed with a family yet. This past June I decided it was that dreaded time of month where I would take a pregnancy test "just in case" and be bitterly disappointed. However, to our surprise it was positive! I didn't want to believe until we went to the Doctor's and they confirmed that we were finally going to be parents. I felt like it was an immediate blessing for Travis' sacrifice as Bishop.
This was the"happiest moment of our lives." We were going to wait and tell our families on Father's Day. We had an elaborate plan to tell each family and were jumping out of our skin trying to keep it a secret. I was almost nine weeks along and I was already planning a whole new life.
And then it happened. I began bleeding. And bleeding harder. And cramping. And all of a sudden nothing felt right. It was two days before Father's Day. I took a home pregnancy test: negative. I took another one: negative. I called the Doctor's hysterical and they made a rush appointment. I knew. They knew. I watched the ultrasound tech as she tried to judge my emotional status and whether she should confirm my nightmare or leave it to the Doctor. She left it to the Doctor. I fell apart on the table. Inconsolable seems like such a small word compared to that feeling. Irrational. Reckless. Hopeless. Angry.
I know I scared Travis and my family with my reaction. I felt like God was being intentionally cruel and I had never had that feeling or thought before. I felt like He didn't trust me. I had a complete absence of hope in my life.
It has taken months to scratch the surface of how this event has affected me. I have learned that for me, talking about it to some people is best. It acknowledges that it was real. Miscarriages feel so tricky because it is something you never really had, just the hope of something. It truly is the "sorrow that the eye can't see."
I feel like after I reached out, many people related that they too had suffered miscarriages or had difficulty getting pregnant. I guess I just wanted someone to tell me how to get through it, how to bear the unbearable. Two things. 1) I have a testimony that fasting and prayer can return hope to even the most hopeless. It may be a glimmer of hope, but it is something to cling to. 2) My sister-in-law Robin (thank you) emailed me an article the other day that really just made sense. It spoke to me. Whether it's true or not, I want to believe it.
It's short and worth reading if you have a moment. I was hoping that the day I finally shared our miscarriage would also be the day I said we're pregnant with a healthy baby. Unfortunately that's not the case, but the reality is that day by day hope and peace creep steadily back into my life and that life continues on. It has been a process. A transition.
I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this post or why I am even able to, but I think this is cathartic. I just want to thank everyone that has prayed for us and kept us in your thoughts. We have truly been uplifted by your faith. It would have been impossible to pick myself up without you.
With much Love, Respect, & Friendship,
Kirstin
